Don’t you just love that classic frieze? The sights and sounds of old-school baseball are always alive at Yankee Stadium.

Except it’s a sham. You’re not watching old baseball. You’re watching a modern team masquerade as an old-school team. Let me explain.

Yankee Stadium

Yankee Stadium is, by every stretch of the imagination, a modern baseball stadium. Yes, it has the frieze and the flags adorning the roof, and some other “classic” elements, but there are also giant screens all around the stadium. The fact that any modern amenities exist at all in this stadium reveals the charade that this team plays.

The Uniforms

The Yankees refuse to update their uniforms from the pinstripes and gray variants. Not only will they never get a city connect uniform, but they even refuse to put players’ names on them. These uniforms are mass-produced by Nike; there’s no reason you can’t make these changes if it weren’t for keeping up with a useless tradition.

The Solution

If the Yankees truly want to be a “classic” team, they must make the following changes:

• Remove all electronic scoreboards and cameras in Yankee Stadium
• Go back to paper ticketing that can only be purchased at the box office
• Keep score by hand and update it manually using a manual scoreboard
• Hand-sew every uniform the team wears
• Remove all parking lots (parking wasn’t needed back then)
• Legalize PEDs for the team
• No instant replay
• Every game must be played exactly as it would in the 1920s

Then, and only then, will I consider the Yankees a true classic franchise.

But that won’t happen. So Yankees, stop playing this elaborate game of pretend.